Orienteering Jokes

The story so far:
In search of a closing witticism for an email, Damian searched the spamonet for orienteering jokes, only to discover that there weren't any. Apparently Snoopy once quoth "I'm great at reading maps, except for understanding all the lines, dots and squiggly marks." FWOC (Alberta) even held a competition at an international meet with 800-odd competitors, and received no noteworthy entries apart from a limerick about some orienteers from Calgary which wasn't repeated to us.

Feeling this is far from satisfactory, we offered a prize:

the best joke received by Christmas 2004 will earn a bottle of champagne (don't expect Moet & Chandon), winner collects. Clean ones will be posted on this web site (let's just call it "release into the public domain") and will be attributed to you unless you object - why waste this chance for immortality? Or infamy? Send here.

With slight editorial license, the entries received were (and can you see a pattern emerging here?):

A control that was marked among rocks
Was so hidden that runners had shocks.
It wasn't where marked,
But turned out to be parked
In a drawer with the setter's old socks.
(R. Mulford)

Our last meet saw our champion swell
Dragging back hours late and unwell.
The setter had set
The farthest point yet:
A control on the backdoor of hell.
(R. Mulford)

An orienteer was running along one day when he came to a wide river. Seeing an orienteer on the other bank, he called out "Hey, how do I get to the other side?" (he was from New Mexico, and hadn't recognized the symbol). The other orienteer looked carefully along the bank to the left, then carefully along the bank to the right, thought a bit, then called back, "You are on the other side!"
(W. Donahue)

There once was a course that was green
Controls were not easily seen
They weren't on the ground
Or just hanging around
But somewhere right in between
(R. Mulford)

I was sent out to hang a control
Where the map marked a scary deep hole
Dark as a well
With a brimstoney smell
And now I'm a sorry lost soul
(R. Mulford)

There once was a course that was green
Controls were not easily seen
Not on top of a bluff
Or below in the duff
But somewhere right in between
(R. Mulford)

A map that's of downed trees devoid
Would make our trips out more enjoy'd
At least we all trip
And get black when we slip
Orienteering with due Schadenfreude.
(R. Mulford)

And the winner is... (well, he knows who).

For future reference, here are some thought-provokers from Adrian Zissos of FWOC:

  • How many orienteers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  • Why did the orienteer cross the road?
  • An Orienteer, a Marathon Runner and a Sprinter were in the bar having a drink. ....
  • An Orienteer arrived at the Pearly gates 5 days after his official death. St. Peter asked him why, if he died on Sunday, he is only now arriving? The orienteer answered.....